I’ll be sharing my own story today, no matter how vulnerable that feels. And I dare you not to see any similarities with yours whatsoever…
I used to be a stress-junkie. I was trying to do everything, for everyone, to prove that I’m good/smart/hardworking enough to deserve being valued, appreciated, and loved. It was a super fuel for my career, for the development of my skills in many areas, and a justification to think of myself being better than others. Wow, what a mix, right?
As a side effect, I felt well only when I had a busy schedule. In my mind, it was lazy not to be constantly occupied with one, or better more than two things at the same time. Well, to keep myself honest, I have to admit that I’m not completely out of the woods with the multitasking yet. But at least I’m doing most of that feeling zen, not freaking out in busy panic mode.
A Stressed Teacher of Stress Management
I was already in my HR leadership role, having studied, practicing, and teaching all those great management tools and techniques. So you would think I would have applied them to my professional and personal life as well.
Wrong. It’s funny how clearly and easily we see mistakes and defaults of others, yet we fail to see our own.
Until One Day…
I was already a mom, at home on parental leave. But that still didn’t stop me from my busy-ness. There are plenty of valid reasons for moms to be stressed, right? Making sure your child is fed, clean, playing safely, that your home is clean, food is cooked, the fridge full, you at least with brushed teeth and hair. By the way, my respect to all moms having more than one child, or pets on top!
So it was one of these days with lots of things going on and I was trying to speed up my daughter to get dressed and leave. She was happily doodling around until I started raising my voice and most likely an ugly frown showed up on my face. And then she just gave me a wide-open stare and a frown back.
As simple as that.
But it hit home and it got registered not only in my mind but also in my heart.
Suddenly I saw the situation as if from a camera on the wall. This silly woman is being stressed about what? Making it on time to the park? What was I trying to gain? 5 minutes of extra time? Well done! Now I had my daughter’s attention to speed up. But at what cost? And what was I teaching her there?
She was absorbing exactly the same stressed autopilot mode that I got when growing up. From a stressed supermom who was falling on her face by the end of the day, nervous, frustrated, and dead exhausted:
“But I’m doing it all for you because I love you so much!”
By the way, this is not me blaming my mom. I know she did love me and she was doing the best she could with what she was taught and rewarded for.
I just realized I had to stop this pattern from being imprinted from one generation to another.
So That Was It.
Nothing dramatic, no voice speaking to me through the clouds, no supernatural visions, or a spectacular breakdown. Just a revelation big enough to make me feel guilty for damaging my daughter’s spirit.
I’d lie if I said that I was all ‘cured’ in that one instance. I feel really ashamed to admit that it took a few more of these situations and stares, a few more evenings feeling like a complete failure and a terrible mom. But I needed that time and that pain to finally see my blind spot.
Becoming a Mom
I think those moments of clarity and transformed consciousness always come from a big messy emotional crisis. You feel something itching and biting you for a long time. Only when it finally crosses your pain threshold, you say STOP and start looking at it.
At least that’s how I felt about my life at the point. It was part of my overall frustration of not having enough time, not having enough control over my life.
You see, before my daughter was born, I was in control, I was in charge and my life was a well-oiled super-productive machine.
And then this little fragile bundle started taking control, already when growing in my belly. First, she took control over my body, then my brain with all those hormones, our home, and then finally all my time 24/7/365 the day she was born.
And I was not ready for that.
I prepared for a healthy pregnancy and birth, I prepared for taking care of my baby.
I was not prepared to give up control and literally all of my time for the months to come.
Finally Seeing Clearly
So that’s where it finally clicked and I understood what I’ve been doing.
That I, understand: ME, MYSELF, and I have been doing it to myself, to my daughter, and to my poor saint husband who’s so patient that he’s been putting up with me over the years.
That was the turning point. I realized I’m not the victim here. It’s not about me losing something (time, control, my old life).
There was a gift right in front of me. It was the pure, innocent spirit of my daughter. She became my best teacher and guide, showing me exactly where I still need to grow, by pushing my buttons and giving me those wide-eyed looks.
Be and Connect
That’s what I’ve been missing. I knew all the time management techniques on how to get organized and be efficient. But all they did for me was to DO even more and spread the stress.
My daughter taught me to BE.
BE in the present moment.
BE with her and truly see her.
BE at peace with what is.
Recovering Stress Addict
It’s a path and I’m OK to admit that I’m not perfect at staying zen. That’s all part of the journey, not to hang too tight onto being perfect.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t mind being late. But I learned to plan margin for unexpected troubles (big mess/dirty clothes/injury) to have enough time to manage them calmly.
And I learned to prioritize time with my daughter over my to-do list. Now, that doesn’t mean that she’s glued to me 24/7. But for example in the morning when she wakes up, I make time to sit with her at breakfast, instead of running around and trying to arrange and prepare everything for the day. It’s only 5-10 minutes but it makes a big happy difference for both of us.
The Most Important Thing I’m Learning…
… is really to be present. When I do sit down with my daughter, I make sure to have calm, positive energy. (Otherwise, I rather spend that one more minute doing what bugs me to be done, not to keep thinking about it at the back of my mind. If I don’t succeed pushing it out.)
I focus on seeing HER. Not the strand of hair coming out of her bun, teasing me to be tucked in. Not her T-shirt label sticking out at the back, or the yogurt mustache on her face. Do I ignore those things and let her leave for school dirty and messy? Of course not. We take care of it together. But I’m trying to make sure that the first thing I see and recognize is her.
Her eyes.
That we connect, in a calm, positive space. So that she knows she matters to me more than her hair, or her clothes, or “my” time.
I wish I was the only guilty mom who had to learn this lesson.
But just in case you could see parts of you in this story, before or after, don’t beat yourself up too much. Those little ones also need to grow up learning from moms who know they are not perfect. So they will know better, not to require perfection from them.
It’s all fine and it’s life. It’s unfolding exactly the way it’s meant to be.
To all the supermoms,
Be well and shine bright!
