ONE OF MY OWN BITTERSWEET EXPAT STORIES INCLUDED
I used to coach an ambitious corporate expat lady, we can call her Amanda. She moved from Australia all the way to Europe to further grow her career and she just seemed to have it all.
However, she came to me for help because she felt like a failure in many areas of her life. Due to the big cultural readjustments and her high demand job, she gained weight, she felt isolated and not at home in the new country. She didn’t speak the local language, didn’t have friends outside the office, no relationship.
Now as a coach I’m not allowed to let my own emotions and experience affect the coaching conversation in any way. But this was so hard to do with Amanda!
I could relate so well thanks to my own experience…
I moved from Belgium to Shanghai, China to bump up my career just one week before my 30th birthday. You can imagine how bittersweet my birthday celebration was. Feeling on top of the world for having mustered the courage to leave everything and everyone behind to follow my career dreams. Yet, I’ve never felt more alone in my life, eating a surprise cake the hotel staff left in my room. Too early to call anyone back home due to the time difference. And what would I want them to say anyway? It would just make me more homesick. In the months to come, I also grew a little cushion around my waistline, the first time in my life.
I bet you have your bucket full of bittersweet expat stories…
But chin up, this is not a pity party, on the contrary!
Start Where You Are
Back to Amanda, this was her analysis of the situation:
- She knew what her goals were: to lose weight, to connect with people outside of work and make some new friendships, enjoy the country, and do some trips.
- She knew what steps to take: clean up her diet, exercise more, get out to meet people – no mystery there, super simple, right?
- What was missing was a motivation to follow through though.
Amanda kept starting – and quitting. She couldn’t stick with the new health routine, she couldn’t get herself out of the door on Saturday night. She ended up frustrated with herself and her lack of willpower.
Where do you seem to lack motivation?
What do you keep starting – and quitting?
So what was going on? Amanda was so strong and ambitious at work but couldn’t stick with simple goals and steps in her personal life?
We had to look deeper. And I started showing Amanda her mirror.
Look In the Mirror
This is the magic that I love most about coaching.
Beautiful souls come to me aching, feeling broken or damaged inside. And I become their mirror, reflecting back what they send out. So often we see what’s wrong with others but tend to drown in our stuff, unaware.
Once you know what to look for, I start changing the angles of the mirror to shift your perspective and heal the pieces that feel off.
How exactly?
In Amanda’s case, I heard her language was full of “should’s”.
- I should stop buying sweets and eat more veggies.
- I should get up each morning and exercise.
- I should go out at least once each weekend.
… The list just went on and on. And it was weighing Amanda down because the high achiever in her would love to tick off those boxes. Just get it done.
What are your biggest should’s?
Shift The Angle
So I brought Amanda’s attention to the language she was using.
On a scale from 1-10 (where 1 is hardly any motivation, to 10 being excited about doing it), how does the should make you feel?
Surprise, surprise, Amanda’s response was around 3-4. Of course, should did not have a motivating effect. It was not the proverbial carrot, but a stick.
Now being aware of that, what other verbs could you use to encourage yourself to take that action?
And there was silence.
Amanda’s brain just couldn’t compute this. She was so used to pushing hard and muscling her way through resistance. Her autopilot was coded to work hard to deserve success. It was not meant to be easy or joyful. Otherwise, any lazy bum could do it, right?
So we started testing new verbs together. You can play along and think of your goal that you keep procrastinating about. Have it in mind?
Then finish the sentence:
I choose to …
I’m passionate about …
I deserve to …
Can you feel the difference?
What do you notice as you use the different verbs?
Maybe you’d like to use some other empowering verbs to inspire and motivate yourself?
It looks like a word game but there’s a solid neuroscience behind and it works like magic for most of my clients.
I remember one young lady who started crying as she shifted her weight loss should’s to:
- My body deserves to be treated well.
- I deserve to rest from time to time.
A Note on Our Childhood Autopilot
The verb to deserve is charged for many of us who had strict parents. You had to perform well for the reward and happiness to come later, as a result. You didn’t deserve to be happy and satisfied with yourself before you did your best. Love and approval were conditional.
Not blaming our parents here, they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. And it’s not your fault either. It’s just time to unwrap some of those deeply ingrained patterns and beliefs, see them for what they are, and simply stop them from running your life.
Back to Amanda, her challenge on top was her deeply Catholic background. In her family, the verb deserve was perceived as entitled, selfish, and individualistic. Not exactly an empowering vibe.
So there we had to enlarge the mirror.
See The Bigger Picture
Who else is benefiting from you following through and reaching your goals?
See weight loss or any other goal is never the ultimate target.
What are you really after chasing this goal? Is that more confidence?
To do, feel, or be what/who?
And why is that important to you?
It turned out that for Amanda it was all about being confident to start making new connections and friendships. To hopefully find a partner and have a family one day. She wanted to be healthy to live long enough to see her children growing up and to be a great example for them.
Her future children and husband deserved their mom and wife to be healthy and happy.
That was the final shift that brought tears to Amanda’s eyes.
That was the missing piece in her motivation. She no longer had to use up all her will power and strength to push towards her goals.
This vision of her future pulled her in effortlessly.
Over to You
What are you procrastinating about? What are your should’s?
And why are they important? Who are you becoming on that journey?
What do you deserve? And who else benefits?
As always, each learning and insight is only as valuable as the action you take about it. Otherwise, it becomes: “oh, nice to know, ok” and you move to another thing and forget about this. No impact. No result.
So pick your journal right now and write down:
What action do you deserve to take?
What would be a step so small and easy that you would look forward to it every day?
Share in the comments and inspire others.
Here’s you’re little reminder:
You deserve this.
You got this!
Shine bright,
