How often do you feel judged?
And how often do you catch yourself judging others? Or yourself?
Spoiler alert: This article is not for the faint of heart. While you will learn strategies to shield yourself from being judged, this won’t be a victims’ pity party. You will have a look in the mirror and start dealing with the fact that you are one of the offenders too, by judging others more often than you’d like to admit. You’ll learn better strategies on how to handle that too.
That being said, are you ready to dive in?
Let’s start with a real client I used to work with, to show you how deep and often unnoticed the judgment autopilot runs.
Jing’s Story
We can call her Jing. She was an executive leader and a board member of a regional headquarters in a rich global corporation. She hired me to get clarity on her career plans and some other life decisions.
As we started peeling off the layers Jing realized one of the underlying issues is that she didn’t feel confident and comfortable enough to show her ‘real face’ at work. She could adopt different management styles based on the situation but it felt like acting and pretending. Jing already felt she didn’t fit in the boardroom, being the only one with Asian background in an otherwise European setup. She didn’t want to do anything that would set her apart even more, and being herself felt too different and dangerous.
That’s what Jing was aware of.
What she didn’t realize though is that she’s been the one judging all her colleagues around the table, and the terrible double-edged sword effect it had on her. Jing appreciates my no-bs coaching style and gives me permission to hold up a mirror for her to see any blind spots when I catch them. And oh, this was a big one.
Jing realized she’s been judging her colleagues for their origin (“Europeans in Europe, they didn’t have to work as hard as I did”), age (“she’s too young to make it so high, what did she do to deserve this place?”). Oh, it wasn’t pretty.
So how did I help Jing to turn it around?
Here are the steps, simplified.
Step 1: Look In The Mirror
Judging others is a natural defense mechanism, I’m guilty of it too!
You feel different, exposed, vulnerable so you not only put up a shield to protect yourself but start firing around. Each judgment is like an invisible arrow aimed at destroying any potential threat. Judge them before they judge you. No need to care about their opinion, because — (fill in the judgment blank with your favorite one) anyways.
But you don’t have to be a shrink to see what effect it has. With all those shields and arrows shooting out, you’re creating a distance between yourself and others. How is that going to help you to build relationships and feel well in this team or group?
Who are you judging most often?
And what for?
Who do you feel to be judged by?
Special Side Note On Hurtful Criticism
If you’ve been exposed not only to judging but a straightforward hurtful criticism, try this shield:
Only hurt people hurt people.
This is my most useful mantra when I feel under attack. And after becoming a mom, it proved to be super useful because unsolicited advice and plain critical judgment seemed to be everywhere…
Why and how does it help?
It turns the focus away from me feeling under attack and getting hurt, by shifting my mind on the person who attacks. And realizing that they must have been hurt in the past. That’s why they hurt others now. Only people who have been hurt keep hurting others. It’s a vicious cycle that can be broken only by this awareness and compassion.
Usually the bigger the pain, the deeper wound there was early on. So I imagine how this person must have been hurt in their childhood. Being a mom now, it’s difficult for me not to feel sorry for them.
It’s still not OK for them to criticize and hurt me. But I don’t feel hurt or upset anymore because I see their attack for what it really is, and that it doesn’t have much to do with me.
This mindfulness practice takes time. And it doesn’t come automatically. But the next time you are licking your wounds, try to remember this little mantra and give it a chance.
Step 2: From Differences To Commonalities
You are different in objective ways. Ok, that’s a fact. If I wanted to give you a bit of tough love, I’d say get over it.
But what if you could take a fresh new look? What do you all have in common with this group of colleagues (playground moms/business partners/whatever your group is )?
What about goals, dreams, aspirations, hobbies, family, and loved ones?
What do you have in common?
And what is it that you could learn from each other?
Remember the first time you traveled abroad? The first time you experienced not understanding the local language? How frightening, yet exciting it was? And how you had to reset all your autopilot because even something as trivial as grocery shopping turned into an adventure trip?
Get in that adventure mindset again, no matter how comfy you already got over the years of living abroad. And get curious about people surrounding you, make it a discovery adventure.
It doesn’t mean you need to love everyone. Some connections will not click the right way and that’s ok. Sometimes those are the best to learn from because by pushing your buttons, they show you exactly what you still need to work on, where your insecurities are.
Step 3: Authentic Self
Now that everyone around stops being a judging threat, how do you want to show up?
Who are you, in this community/family/group?
What are the values that are truly important to you, no matter what?
How could you live more of them every day?
These are deep questions that require space for introspection. If you have an established meditation or other mindfulness practice, you may want to let those questions sink in.
Values are the best compass that helps us move forward even through the thickest fog or wildest sea storm. Even when you can’t see your next step, with the value compass in your heart, you feel the right direction.
Bonus Step for Super Warriors: Loving Kindness
There is one last step that I’m keeping optional – only for those who did manage to harness and rewrite their judging autopilot.
For those who are still judging, it might feel like a spiritual woo-woo bs. So that’s why the disclaimer above.
Here it goes:
Randomly choose 3 people and send them your silent wish: “I wish him/her to be happy.”
No one knows you’re doing this, you don’t say anything out loud. Just think about anyone in your environment and wish them well. Make it a daily habit and you’ll start seeing the magic within the first week already.
To sum it up…
Stop shooting around your arrows, put down your shield, and get out there. Get curious and see what you can learn. About others and yourself. Whenever you start feeling uncomfortable, know that it’s ok.
If it feels like someone is indeed shooting their judging arrow at you, see it for what it is – an attempt at hiding and protecting their insecurity. That arrow is a boomerang that turns around halfway and returns where it came from – an unhealed wound.
Now you know better than shooting out arrows from your wounds.
It’s a discipline, it takes practice to catch yourself doing it. I still need to practice myself. At first, I realized I did it again only afterward. And I felt guilty. Then I started catching myself already in the process and was able to stop it sometimes half-sentence out. Now I consider it a victory when I catch the thought and dismiss it immediately. It doesn’t work 100% but that’s part of the personal development journey. Admitting that I’m not perfect. And that’s ok too.
So enjoy, be mindful and see how this shift impacts how you show up and feel around others.
Shine bright,
