Why do you keep yelling at your kids even when you don’t want to?
Because when you get stressed and overwhelmed, your nervous system is not reacting to what your child is doing right now. It’s reacting to something it already knows from the past.
You wake up every morning promising yourself, “Today, I’m not going to lose it. I’m not going to snap, yell, or explode (like my parents did). I’m going to keep it together.”
But then they take too long to get dressed, get loud, start fighting, say “NO!” when you ask them to brush teeth… And you yell again, because it seems to be the only way to make them listen. No matter how guilty it makes you feel.
And here’s the thing: It’s not your fault. And it’s not your kids’ fault either.
But it is your responsibility to clean it up. (Because you can’t expect your kids to have more control over their emotions than you do, right?)
So let’s get started…
Why everything you learned disappears in the moment
Because the more you get triggered (by noise, disobedience, time pressure, exhaustion, fighting…),
–> the faster your smart, logical brain checks out (you forget all the parenting tips and scripts, and remember them only AFTERWARDS)
–> a younger part of you takes over (to protect your boundaries when everything else failed)
That’s why you can stay totally calm and cool under pressure at work, but then you come home…
But wait, what? A “younger part” of me?
The Younger Part of You that takes over (aka the inner child)
What does your own past, the “younger part of you” (aka your inner child) have to do with your own kids not listening and triggering you now?
Everything. Because that’s the reason you lose control over your emotions and do/say things you regret when you calm down.
Let me show you:
– Think of the last situation when you lost your patience
– As if it were a movie in front of your eyes, rewind to the moment right before you exploded
– Freeze that moment… How did that situation make you feel?
Yes, ANGRY. That’s the reason why you exploded. But what was underneath that anger?
Not feeling heard? Not seen? Not respected? Out of control? Not good enough? Afraid of being judged?..
Because THAT is the feeling your nervous system already knows so well…
Why this keeps happening even when you try so hard
This is why you can’t stop yelling at your kids, even though you’re trying so hard.
Because when you get triggered, your nervous system already recognizes the reason underneath: not feeling heard, not respected, out of control, scared of being judged, tired of not feeling appreciated
That painful realization that you’re not good enough. Nobody cares. You’re totally helpless. Things are happening to you and you can’t do anything about it.
And it does not matter what childhood you had. Even if you have only happy memories. Keep them!
But once upon a time (in your first 6 years of life), somebody made you feel that you were not good enough. You felt helpless, out of control. Things were happening to you or around you, and you were helpless.
And most often, when you wanted to express how you felt, you were shut down.
So your nervous system learned to adapt.
By controlling.
By becoming a perfectionist.
By becoming a hyper-achiever.
By people-pleasing, tiptoeing to avoid making anyone upset.
Those are stress adaptations.
And they worked.
They helped you survive. They helped you succeed. They became your strengths.
But the same pattern that helped you succeed is the same pattern that takes over when you are under pressure with your kids.
Why you become a different person in that moment
That little you who never felt good enough is still there.
And every time you feel that same feeling again – not heard, not respected, out of control – she takes over.
Whenever the pressure is too big for you to handle, your smart brain shuts down. And the little younger you from the past comes to your rescue.
That’s why it feels like you become a different person.
That’s why I call it “mommy tantrums”. Because in that moment, you are having a tantrum yourself.
You become a little kid trying to protect yourself in the only way your nervous system knows how.
What this actually means for you
Permission granted: Stop wasting your time scrolling through social media looking for more parenting tips.
Because it’s not that you don’t know enough.
It’s not about your kids. It’s not about you being broken.
It’s about something deeper that keeps getting triggered in those moments.
And unless that gets addressed, it will keep happening. Over and over again.
How?
If this felt like you, I go much deeper into this in the full episode of the Zen Supermom Podcast (episode 177 – LISTEN HERE).
You’ll understand exactly what’s happening and what it actually takes to change it.
Your kids are lucky to have you, supermom!
